Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Good advice.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
never deleting this app.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.