Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A classic…
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.