My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
You Might Also Like
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me My dog
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.