Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir