[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.