Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.