Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
How animals would run if they were human
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Cinematography is my passion