There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
You can’t rush stupid.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end