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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home