3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.