Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/