Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured