Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.