No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin