not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
and now we wait
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings