My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Knock Knock
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
At least my masseuse has my back.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.