please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.