Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Stop it! 😂
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.