Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Jupiter
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light