[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them