Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Nomnomnomnom
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
everyone’s a critic
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Phones down.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.