Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.