If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Need WebMD
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder