Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Great acting.. 😂
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.