EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Genius idea!!
I am all good here, 😂😉
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.