The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.