“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow