A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.