[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.