‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”