I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.