Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Proofread twice, hang posters once
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.