Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My work here is done
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words