M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself