[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Harsh but fair
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said