Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok