Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
…u ok Nintendo?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I triple waxed for this?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes