I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Smooooooth
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Human are so complicated
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.