The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Nothing to do, you say?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.