“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Favourite diary entry ever
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography