4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT