Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.