I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread