Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions