I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo