WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.