Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great