For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You Might Also Like
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.