I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You Might Also Like
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My therapist after every session
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*