[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I want this so bad
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?